if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
