Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
