At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
