Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
