If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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