I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
How external is "for external use only"?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
