I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
