god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
So many bounce houses so little time
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
