i just wanna soil my oats bro
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Can you bring me the toilet please
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
