dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
