he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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