how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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