I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
