I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Randomize
