Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
