pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
