laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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