I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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