you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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