the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
