I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Randomize
