i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
