If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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