I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
