I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
