So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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