i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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