You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
