yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
