So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
worst night to have a conscience
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
