I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
