It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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