At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
