Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Randomize
