What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
