i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
