She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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