I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
