omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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