Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
