he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
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