Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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