Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
