All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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