Betty ford says i'm here all night
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
