Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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