I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Randomize
