I want to have your abortion
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
