census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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