I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Randomize
