then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
